“I Couldn’t Shake the Feeling That Maybe I Had a Different Biological Father”
Therese reached out to share her story about discovering she had a different biological father than she was told, and in her story is both struggle and growth. It is impossible to know what is going on inside another family since families have long histories and the interplay between people in a household (and across generations within a family) is complex. Loyalty, respect, and boundaries are all interpreted in different ways; it is no wonder feelings are often hurt in the wake of unexpected family discoveries.
Therese was brave to share her story and lay out for us the differences between the expectations she had for a “dad” and how her expectations were not fulfilled. I appreciate Therese for giving us insight into the past few years of her life since her decision to take a DNA test. Her experience can help others struggling to understand why communication with new biological family can be hard and unpredictable.
-Brianne, Watershed DNA founder
Therese’s Story:
I was adopted by my paternal grandparents at six months old. My mother was only 17. She didn't have any plans of sticking around to raise a new baby, and my father was no longer in the picture. As I got older and asked about him, I was told my biological father was dead. You can imagine my surprise when at age 12 I learned from an aunt he was alive. I was elated!
“From that moment on I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe I had a different biological father. ”
My mother had not been around much, and I felt abandoned by her, so to know I might have a dad was just the best news! I rushed home and grabbed the phone book, found his number. He was open to talking with me, very kind, and never seemed to doubt I was his. It was nice to finally have a dad.
All of that came crashing down when at 19, my mother told me she wasn't convinced my dad was my biological father because there had been someone else she was with around the same time. I was shattered that there was even a faint possibility this was true, but my mother reassured me it wasn’t likely.
Fast forward 20 years to 2018, and I hear about AncestryDNA. My best friend had found a long-lost sister through DNA, so I thought, why not? I'll give it a try. For my birthday in May, my husband got me a kit. I did it and sent it back and I waited... and waited…and then finally in October, my results were ready. I opened up the email, and to my surprise, it connected me with a woman that DNA reported as my paternal grandmother. Talk about a shock! To top it off, the woman's name looked familiar.
I racked my brain and finally recalled where I had seen her name--on the social media page of someone that I had grown up with. I reached out to him and he told me the person I was connected to by DNA testing was his grandma. This meant he and I were related. I grew up with this guy and his siblings my entire life. Could this be true? I had doubts and reached out to Ancestry. They confirmed that yes, the DNA was not wrong.
This was exciting news at first. I started making phone calls including to my newly-found biological father’s wife who knew me from when I was a child. She believed me right away and assured me things would be ok. All of my initial attempts reaching out to my biological family were warmly received just like this first call. So when things began to change, it was very confusing. Not all of my half-siblings took the news well or were willing to accept me into the family. My biological father’s wife seemed to have a complete turn-about.
“I didn’t understand, I had done nothing wrong. ”
Maybe everyone needed time to process and things would get better, I told myself. When I reached out to an aunt through social media, she told me she had welcomed me too soon and that she and her mother (my grandmother) wanted to wait until everyone was comfortable. She asked that I not call or reach out to them again. My heart was so broken. After all I'd been through, this brought back to the surface the abandonment issues I'd carried for most of my life.
“I cried myself to sleep.”
One of my older siblings, a brother I’ll call “B,” stayed in touch and gave me tons of love and encouragement. But the winter holidays that year passed by without a word from anyone on my biological father’s side.
You can imagine my surprise when late in January 2019, my biological grandmother called and left a voicemail. I hesitated to return the call, but my husband encouraged me to. Things proceeded okay for a while. We had a good conversation, and we agreed to meet. One of the sisters who had struggled with my discovery at the beginning started to come around but kept hesitating at the idea of meeting up.
“I left feeling very overwhelmed. ”
I also connected with the paternal grandfather, and that was a mixed experience. There was tension between himself and other family I had already connected with. I heard name-calling and bad feelings going both ways. I wasn’t sure how to feel being in the middle, but when he and my biological grandmother showed up for my 40th birthday celebration, I appreciated their appearance, even if others in the family didn’t.
A biological brother and an aunt also made attempts to form a relationship with me. But I still had not heard from my biological father at this point. It caused me to lose a lot of respect for him. The family tried to push me to reach out to my father, but I felt like he could reach out to me. He had my number! Later in the year, after 14 months of waiting, he finally did. My biological father and I had dinner together. The hugs from his wife and invitation into their house were confusing to me. These motions to connect after all the time I had spent waiting on them felt abrupt and unexpected.
I expected my father to be in charge of reaching out again, but after that day, I didn't hear from him again. The 2019 holiday season came and went, and I didn’t hear from anyone on that side of the family. Again. I was sad but hopeful, so it was a shock when my biological aunt responded to an invitation I sent her that essentially due to family loyalties, she couldn’t attend.
“That was the final straw for me. ”
The toxic behaviors and patterns in the family were not something I saw changing and not something I wanted to continue being a part of. I haven't spoken to biological family on my father’s side in over half a year now.
I'm happy in my life just the way it is. I now know the truth about who my biological father is and that's all I need to know. I'm not sorry I made overtures to get to know them, but I realize it has to be a two-way street. I cannot be expected to carry it all.
“I’m just so thankful to god , my husband and the many years of therapy that gave me the tools to deal with such traumatizing situation.
”
My motto has always been that a tree is best measured when down. It was an experience and I hope my story can help someone else going through the same thing