Parents Who Need to Share Before a DNA Test ‘Outs’ Their Secret
SOME PARENTS HAVE DECIDED IT’S TIME TO SHARE WITH THEIR CHILD NEWS ABOUT THE CHILD’S PARENTAGE:
YOU WERE ADOPTED…
YOU WERE DONOR-CONCEIVED…
DAD ISN’T YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER...
Home DNA tests are unveiling genetic connections between people and have pushed many parents towards a decision they hadn’t planned to make or had procrastinated on for one reason or another. We are learning that sometimes the news comes as a total shock to the children who find out unexpected news about themselves, but sometimes the revealed secret confirms suspicions the child has had all along.
A recent survey of donor-conceived people revealed that over a third of them found out about their donor conception from DNA testing, and over half had identified their donor from DNA testing. This is an increasingly common discovery, and donor-conceived people and NPEs (the people who learn their parent is ‘not the parent they expected’) are reaching out for support.
In addition to the adult children in these situations who have come to me asking if I can confirm what the DNA tests seem to reveal, I’ve worked with a few sets of parents who have decided to share before their child makes a discovery. They are looking for support and guidance in a time of distress and fear.
One resource I connect parents with is the Telling and Talking series created by DCN. These booklets (which are divided up by a child’s age at the time of parentage news-sharing) were developed with donor conception families in mind. They have a downloadable version available, or you can order the printed version that will take a week or two to ship from the UK to the US. DNA news-sharing parents have told me the booklets have helped them even if sperm or egg donation wasn’t the way their child was conceived.
These have recently become available on Amazon, where you order paperback copies:
Telling and Talking 8-11 years
Telling and talking 12-16 years
Telling and talking to your adult child
They even have one created for sharing the news about a child’s donor conception with family members:
Telling and talking with family
My special work as a genetic counselor with people and families affected by DNA family surprises came about in response to the needs of clients. I now consider much of what I do DNA coaching, as I work with my clients to answer a few questions but more importantly help them navigate these difficult situations themselves.
PARENTS DON’T NEED ADVICE IN THESE SITUATIONS - THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY NEED TO DO. THEY COME LOOKING FOR RESOURCES + SUPPORT + ACCOUNTABILITY.
In addition to locating appropriate resources and support like the DCN booklets mentioned above, I support parents/couples by helping them to:
Identify how they best communicate
Identify the method of sharing that best respects their child
Identify their strengths and encourage them to recognize and use them
Locate a licensed marriage and family therapist or couples therapist they can work with if parents aren’t yet on the same page about sharing
Understand home DNA testing so they know what their child could find out if they choose not to take the step to share first
Create with them a plan and timeline for them to do the news-sharing with their child (sometimes this need is urgent)
I’ve written many blog posts, spoken with media, founded support groups, and encouraged the work of others - such as the nonprofit organization NPE Friends Fellowship and online magazine severancemag.com who also offer information and support.
There is a lot of support and information now available for NPEs. There is less in the way of support for parents.
THERE IS NO NEED TO JUDGE PARENTS WHEN A BETTER WAY FORWARD IS TO OFFER SUPPORT AND RESOURCES FOR SHARING NEWS/INFORMATION ABOUT PARENTAGE WITH THEIR CHILDREN.
We cannot go back and change the past, and we cannot control what DNA testing has done to change biological parent discoveries. The best we can do is to help secrets be uncovered for the ones most directly affected (the children). To support family members in communicating and rebuilding relationships with the truth known.
I am committed to helping to provide accurate, compassionate, and judgment-free support. Every perspective - that of the parents, children, spouses, siblings, discovered families, donors, and birth parents - has a role.
WHEN EVERYONE FINDS THE SUPPORT AND GUIDANCE THEY NEED, EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY BENEFITS.
As an experienced licensed and certified genetic counselor, I am ready to work with you to share the secret you’ve been keeping from your child. Reach out to learn more about my services and find out how we can work together.
I’m not a marriage or family counselor and recommend couples/family find one to work with if they are not on the same page about sharing a DNA secret. If I don’t think I’m the best person to help you with your situation, I will say so and get you pointed in the right direction.
Services restricted to US and Canada residents at this time.
This post was updated on 8/12/20 to reflect new information about the Telling and Talking series of booklets on Amazon, originally only available through the DCN website.
Readers of this post who are interested in more information on this topic might find the book The DNA Guide for Adoptees helpful.