2022 and reflections on changes, boundaries, and DNA
For many years, I have followed the genealogy blogger Roberta Estes and learned from her diverse posts. Many of them have little to do with genealogy and more to do with LIFE in general. Roberta’s most recent, and insightful, blog post covered a multitude of topics, including relationships, holidays, estrangement, and the impact of covid on families over the past two years. I wanted to share the link with readers of the Watershed DNA blog and encourage you to visit Roberta’s blog.
https://dna-explained.com/2021/12/25/the-holidays-and-coping-with-grief-52-ancestors-346/
How were the holidays for you this year? Mine held aspects of joy (Christmas morning with children!) and grief (the first winter holidays without my beloved grandfather; witnessing my other family grieve his absence as well). There is also estrangement in my extended family which pains me but is outside my sphere of control.
A realization I made this year in my own family was that the best way I can help is to listen to my mother, to share with her what I understand about personality disorders (definitely a factor in the estrangement going on in the family), and to process my own experiences. My husband and therapist and a few close friends have been my saving grace this year.
The links in Roberta's post to articles about family estrangement are quality, and if you have time to carve out to read them, please do. As I read them, it was revelatory for me. It's difficult sometimes to explain what it is that I do—few people know what genetic counselors do and even fewer understand my personal niche as a genetic counselor in the world of consumer DNA testing. This is something at which I hope to do a better job explaining in the new year.
While reading Roberta’s post and her links to articles about estrangement, I realized that a fundamental aspect of Watershed DNA is to help as many people as possible to understand the importance of boundaries for healthy relationships and how important they are in new discoveries made after DNA testing. Boundaries in relationships help promote feelings of safety, and they can prevent unnecessary pain in the future. Boundaries help everyone take things one step at a time. They require everyone to work at communicating well in the present which promotes a long-lived, healthy relationship.
In the six years of my work via Watershed DNA, I’ve learned from my own family and also from others. Some families navigate a surprise DNA discovery easily and others struggle. What makes the difference? I’ve identified many, but we still need scientific research to know for sure. I’ll distill a few lessons I’ve learned here:
DNA cannot replace healthy and considerate interactions in creating bonds between people. The latter work better in making someone “family”.
A genetic bond can't prevent misunderstandings, estrangement, and pain.
A DNA match can start a new connection between people, but it is up to each person involved to make decisions that impact the relationships to follow.
As we head into 2022, there will be changes for all of us.
Will they be good? Bad? Gains? Losses? Each of us will likely experience every single one of these types of changes.
I hope that whatever happens in your life this year, you will find a way to peace and clarity in your family and relationships. That you find time to evaluate your personal values and begin to align your decisions with them. That you grow in your ability to communicate your thoughts and feelings. And finally, that you find ways to strengthen the bonds to the people you treasure. These are my personal hopes as well.
Happy New Year to everyone. I’m looking forward to another year of listening, learning, and sharing!
-Brianne Kirkpatrick, Watershed DNA founder