Late-discovery adoptee Julia shares about the challenges of reunion
Reunion can be a difficult journey to navigate. One helpful resource for those navigating a biological family search that addresses many of the challenges is the book 7 Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency.
There can be a gulf between what someone needs and desires from a reunion with genetic relatives and what is feasible and possible for a healthy, long-term relationship. Mental illness and mental health challenges can be a factor that complicates the reunion process for some individuals who are involved in an adoption constellation.
In today’s guest post, late-discovery adoptee (LDA) Julia shares about her experience connecting with her birth mother and recognizing her birth mother’s undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues. Every person’s journey is unique. Julia chose to stop communicating with her birth mom and continues to work through rebuilding relationships that were damaged during the time they were in close contact.
Mental health challenges are complex. Counselors and therapists who are adoption-competent and trauma-informed are invaluable for those on a journey to reunion and relationship-building.
Learn more about navigating counseling referrals from DNA Guide for Adoptees.
Q: Julia, have you always known you were adopted or is it something you can remember finding out?
Julia: I always knew my brother was adopted, but I did not find out I was adopted until I was 21 and in labor with my first son. The memory will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Q: Could you describe your decision to search and what that journey was like?
Julia: I was a young new mom, so it took about a year for me to decide to start looking for my birth mom. I was told to write a letter requesting non identifying information about my birth mother and then I was referred to a search angel in the city I was born in. She took several years to find my birth last name at the local library. After almost 20 years of dead ends, I decided to move on. All the boxes of documentation I had acquired I threw away.
Q: When you matched with a biological mother through DNA testing, how long until communications began?
Julia: I reached out the same day I found out but communicated with her family member first, and then it was about a week before I spoke to her (actually, it will be 5 years next week).
Q: What were the first few days, weeks, and months like?
Julia: It was very nice talking to her. She sounded like a sweet woman, and she answered all of my questions about my family history, which I had wanted to know for all those years.
As time went on, she would text me several times a day, saying she was thinking and praying for me. It was very comforting to know I had a parent still alive.
Since she did not have a place to stay, I asked her to move in with me and my partner. I wanted to take care of her.
Q: What was your relationship like, and how did it develop?
Julia: The first thing I asked her was for full transparency. I did not care nor judge, just wanted to know the truth and she agreed.
She texted me a lot and told me about her mother, father, and sister, who were deceased. She told me a lot of stories about her life.
She wanted to know EVERYTHING about my life and my parents.
Some of her stories were really far-fetched, but she swore it was the truth, and because she was a religious woman, I believed her.
Q: You have mentioned that you came to realize a mental health diagnosis was at play for your biological mother. Did you figure this out yourself, or did someone else inform you?
Julia: Both. I started to notice her stories did not line up, and when I questioned her, she got very angry. It was like she turned into a different person. As time went on, I kept hearing different stories about me that she told my family members I knew were not true. As I questioned her, she kept changing her story. A family member who is in the medical field diagnosed her with several mental disorders after spending some time with her.
Q: What did it look like as time progressed? Can you describe some behaviors or situations that created turbulence in your relationship?
Julia: After the "honeymoon" was over, her true colors came out, and I noticed her beliefs did not align with mine, as she previously stated.
Also, as I got to know her family better, the stories they told me about my birth were not the same story she told.
She made accusations that we physically and mentally abused her while she lived with us to get sympathy from my own family members, who have now turned against me.
Q: What have you had to do for yourself to create safety? Did you ever have to set boundaries and were they honored?
Julia: I left the state where I was living and moved across the country for our safety. Since I was not aware of what she was capable of doing, I did not want the risk of possibly going to jail.
I told her I did not want her to contact me, but she still sends me texts on family anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays.
Q: What is your hope in the long term for how your relationship with your biological mother and others in the family will develop?
Julia: I hope to have my children and grandchildren back in my life. For them to see I am not the monster she said I was.
I do not want a relationship with my biological mother ever again. I wish and pray for her on a daily basis.
Q: What helps you the most day by day?
Julia: Praying is what has saved me. I pray several times a day for my grandchildren and children, and for her.
I am working on forgiveness now. It is pretty hard, but I ask God for strength. Also meditating helps me.
Need support during your search for or reunion with biological family?
