“When We Did IVF to Have You, We Used an Egg Donor”
Today’s guest post is by Jen Jacober who brings her professional experience as a genetic counselor and her personal experience as a late-discovery donor-conceived person together. This article first appeared in a periodical for genetic counselors. Jen has agreed to share it on the Watershed DNA blog to reach a wider audience. Thank you, Jen!
“Shocked does not even begin to describe the feeling.”
After a year of pediatric genetic counseling in a brand-new city under my belt and a little over a year into my marriage, I started to really feel settled. My personal and professional life were coming together, and I was beginning to gain confidence in myself and my abilities. Then, my mom came to visit in April 2020 and shared news with me that changed everything. “When we did IVF to have you, we used an egg donor”. Shocked does not even begin to describe the feeling. I immediately looked in the mirror and felt like a stranger.
I quickly dove into the world of donor conception and found an online community that made me feel less alone. There were thousands of others like me who discovered they were donor conceived later in life. I immediately ordered DNA testing kits, putting my own previously held hesitations about these products aside. I had to know everything. I called the IVF clinic my parents had used and ran into dead-end after dead-end. The only information my parents were given was that the donor looked like my mom (explains the resemblance), wore glasses, and had passed a basic health screen. The clinic cited their anonymity policy and refused to give me any information, though admittedly, they weren’t even able to find my mom’s records. Suddenly I became panicked about what ticking time bomb could be hidden in my own DNA, a fear so many of my patients have shared with me. Half of my family history suddenly became blank, and the irony of my chosen career path felt like a slap in the face.
With time, I’ve become good at compartmentalizing this strange new frontier, but sometimes it does seep into my work as a genetic counselor. I can’t help but be personally affected by certain situations. I spend more time talking with families about communicating a diagnosis to their child, hoping to help my young patients avoid the shock that I myself had experienced. Cases where an adoption or nonpaternity are a secret are especially difficult and always give me pause.
Admittedly, before the news, I talked about egg or sperm donation like it was an option on a menu. Now, I give it the attention it deserves. In the fertility world, all rights go to the donor and the receiver, and none to the child that is created, even when done under the best intentions. I do not have the right to my own healthcare information, even though critical details about my donor sit collecting dust in a mystery storage facility. I certainly don’t fault my parents for their decision to use an egg donor, and I’m grateful they did, but they were vastly unprepared to discuss this complicated situation with me as an adult, let alone as a child. Now, fortunately, as fertility treatments continue to advance and more couples turn to donor conception to fulfill their dream, there are resources. There are books and articles and YouTube channels that have all given donor conceived people a voice. There are also children’s books and numerous online resources to help parents talk to their kids early and often. This will make all the difference.
“It was amazing how much we had in common.”
At 6:00 AM one morning while I was getting ready for work, I found my biological mom. I immediately saw the resemblance in her photo. After a few stressful weeks of waiting, she got back to me. It was amazing how much we had in common. She had recently traveled to New Zealand, as had I. She loved craft beer, traveling, and shared my liberal views. She even lived a couple of blocks from my now-husband and I’s first apartment. My previous job’s parking lot backed into her front yard, and I can’t imagine how many times our paths may have crossed. She described my contact as a “beautiful surprise”. And while I have no expectations about our relationship moving forward, hearing that, to me, has been enough. Well that, and all the new family health information she was able to give me. Now the dust has settled, and I look in the mirror and am able to recognize myself again.
Jen Jacober, MS, MPH, CGC is a genetic counselor living in New Orleans, LA. She loves to travel and explore her home city of New Orleans with her husband and her dog, Brees.
Email: Jennifer.jacober1@gmail.com
Are you a parent who needs to share information with your child about their origins, but you aren’t sure what to do next or how to go about the “telling”? There are some resources already available for you.
Resources:
https://cfas.ca/_Library/_documents/CSIG_Task_Force_Resource_Document.pdf
https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/resources-page/resources/
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