“I Believe My Mom Made the Best Decision She Thought She Could at the Time”: An NPE Discovery
From Brianne:
Janna is an NPE (person with a ‘not parent expected’ discovery), and her revelation happened after taking a DNA test. Everyone reacts differently to their discovery based on their past experiences and their relationships with others in their lives. Every situation is unique and complex in its own way.
For every discovery, there are dozens of ripples that reach out through a family. Sometimes decisions by a mother were made because of certain pressures and expectations she faced, or as Janna worded it, she made the best decision she thought she could at the time.
Janna shares her experience and how she has coped with the decision made decades ago by her teenage mother after a high school party and an unplanned pregnancy. Her relationship with her mother was strained prior to the DNA test, and since then, Janna has chosen a path forward to focus on her own healing, the relationships important to her now, and the choices she makes in her own life.
Thank you, Janna, for giving us a window into your world.
How and when did you first learn shocking information about your parentage? Was it out of the blue? Did you have any suspicions?
I received an Ancestry test as a gift for Christmas in 2016. I had just gotten married and gone to Jamaica for our honeymoon, so I really didn’t need or want anything else. The DNA results took a while to process because of the post-holiday backlog, so it was a couple of months before I got them back. When I saw the results and noticed that my mom’s family was coming up in my DNA matches but not my dad’s side, my head started spinning. This type of shock is always something you think will happen to other people.
“This type of shock is always something you think will happen to other people. ”
“I remember wondering in high school if my dad was someone else because I was just so very different than my siblings.”
I guess you could say it was not a complete shock to find out my biological father was someone else. I remember wondering in high school if my dad was someone else because I was just so very different than my siblings. My brother that I was raised with is tall, thin, and blonde. I am none of those things. I thought I just got the short end of the stick or something. I never really put much thought or effort into exploring the suspicion further, though. I was 41 when the DNA test revealed the truth, so a long time had transpired between my wondering and finding out.
What have been the reactions of different people in your life?
My husband was the only person I told for a bit of time. I just needed to process it and figure out what my next step would be. Not finding the truth was never an option for me; that would not fit with my personality. My husband is very steady person. Nothing gets him too riled up - the opposite of me - so this was very good for me to talk to him and think things through. Most people are just shocked because you never think its going to happen in your world…but here we are.
Everyone has been very supportive, very open to the conversation, non-judgmental, and kind. People tell me all the time that I should write a book, but I always say, "How do you write this story without making my mom look bad?"
“Everyone has been very supportive, very open to the conversation, non-judgmental, and kind.”
In some families, the discovery is significant in ways that can be overwhelming and negative. It seems this hasn’t been the case for you; what do you think has made a difference in your situation?
I think my life has prepared me for this. I don’t have a relationship with the dad I was raised with and had a terrible childhood, so this is just another chapter of my story. I have had lots and lots of therapy and worked hard to articulate my feelings and be okay in my own skin. I was ready to take this on when it happened. My life was in a great place, and I had room to adjust to this discovery, if that makes sense. Also, I really don’t care what other people think, I do what is best for myself and my husband and kids first.
“I was ready to take this on when it happened.”
Families often struggle to communicate around sensitive topics. How do you and your family communicate?
My mom and I struggle to communicate about anything and everything. When I first asked her how this happened (via text), she said it wasn’t possible and "Your dad is your dad. Period." She made me do the DNA test again. Then, when the second test said the same thing, she took one. She didn’t and hasn’t spoken to anyone about it as far as I’m aware. She went from total denial about my paternity to acting as if we’ve always known it was this way. I doubt she has ever talked to her husband about it. She’s a very unhealthy communicator in general, which exhausts me.
“She went from total denial about my paternity to acting as if we’ve always known it was this way.”
With my husband and kids, I have been very open and honest. We have solid relationships and talk openly. They have said to me this is my story, and I am in the lead. They will support me with whatever I decide to do or share about it.
“I don’t own this choice, but I do own how I move forward and no one gets to question my choices in how I move forward. ”
When you read about other people who have joined the support group for DNA surprise discoveries, do you feel that their stories help you or hinder you as you move forward?
I always feel very sad for the support group members who aren’t having a positive experience with the discovery or experience it as devastating. I’m not sure if not having a relationship with the dad who raised me made it easier for me or if the inordinate amount of therapy I have had made it easier for me to separate the parts of this that I own versus what I have no control of. Maybe it’s that I have always felt disconnected from my mom, dad, brother, and extended family that it didn’t occur to me to be sad. I do know that I never felt like I needed to keep this to myself for fear of hurting anyone else. I don’t own this choice, but I do own how I move forward and no one gets to question my choices in how I move forward.
I have a hard time reading about the difficult situations of how some people were conceived (affairs, rape, etc.). I am the product of a one-night stand at a high school party, and even that feels like a tough pill to swallow. I deal with this by reminding myself that the circumstances of my conception do not define me.
“I deal with this by reminding myself that the circumstances of my conception do not define me. ”
What has been the most helpful to your adjustment, and has that changed over days, weeks, months?
The acceptance by my new family members has been the most helpful to my adjustment. They have all been amazing and kind and understanding. If they had not been, I’m certain I would have struggled more. I have had significant training in adolescent brain development and the adverse childhood experience study both of which help me analyze, process and intellectualize the situation. I can fully understand how my mother, as a teenage girl, had a one night stand at a party and found herself pregnant and uncertain how to find the guy or tell her parents. I believe my mom made the best decision she thought she could at the time. No one would have thought 40 years later, a $99 DNA test would spill her secret for her. It could happen to any of us. We all thought we were invincible at 17.
“I believe my mom made the best decision she thought she could at the time.”
I am an "external processor" so having people who listen without judging has been imperative. I talked a lot about the discovery at first because it was so surreal. I only remember one meltdown where I cried and felt sadness about "the life I could have had." My husband reminded me that if anything was different, we wouldn’t have the life we have today. I realized in that moment that I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. Everything happens for a reason, and I just have to have faith that I was meant for this life.
“Everything happens for a reason, and I just have to have faith that I was meant for this life.”
From Brianne:
If you are looking for support after your own NPE discovery, are a person ‘stuck in the middle’ trying to manage a DNA discovery about another person, or are a parent with a secret that needs to be shared with your child, please reach out to me. There is support and understanding available no matter your DNA family situation.
I offer 1:1 coaching over the phone or video chat (US & Canada).