“I considered her to be a blessing to me” - A father shares about the emotional journey with a newfound biological daughter
Today’s guest blogger shares the emotional journey he experienced learning at age 68 that he had a daughter of whom he was previously unaware. He is nearing the first anniversary of getting the DNA confirmation of his paternity and is looking forward to a visit with his daughter and her family over Thanksgiving. It will be the fourth time he and his daughter will have a chance to meet up in person.
The story of Ted* and his discovery of a daughter is a reminder that every situation is unique. Ted’s focus on direct communication with others and facing and working through the emotional ups and downs are something to notice. What can all of us do to support biological families and the people who seek to make contact with them? How can we help more families have an outcome like Ted’s? *guest bloggers use an alias
Have thoughts to share? Questions or comments for Ted? Send them to us, and we’ll post updates to the blog with responses.
What has been your experience with a DNA search or discovery? If you would be willing to share your story with readers of the Watershed DNA blog, please reach out to us. We can send you a few questions to help you get started and assist with editing so you feel good about the part of your story you share. No need to be a writer to participate!
“I considered her to be a blessing to me”
by Ted
What emotions do you remember feeling when you first discovered your (newfound biological) daughter?
Initially when my sister let me know about a potential adult biological child, I remember feeling both shock and disbelief. I was 68 years old, and the parameters of my life were well established. Could it be true? Was it possible that I had fathered a child in my middle twenties and never knew? The idea was daunting.
The person who was a DNA match showed up on a great-niece’s 23andMe account and then as a niece on my sister’s. Together my great-niece, my niece, and my sister had been communicating with her for quite some time. My sister brought the news to me about eleven months ago.
At that time, I knew next to nothing about the commercial DNA tests. My daughter was 43, and I could not recall anything in my past which could convince me she might be mine except that I was young at the time she was conceived, and my job kept me away from home a lot. I did spend a lot of foolish time in bars back then.
How did you confirm you were the father?
My sister and I discussed it, and we agreed it was possible that we could have an unknown fraternal half-brother who might be the father of the DNA match. I convinced myself that was the case. But neither could I ignore the other possibility. I ordered a 23andme test to put it to rest, one way or other.
While we were waiting for my results, I connected with the person who was a match to my relatives. We first connected on Facebook, then we talked on the phone, and then I had some Zoom calls with her. She lives across the country from me. I found her to be a personable, intelligent young lady. She explained she had been searching for her biological father for many years.
Once the results came in showing a father/daughter match, I was in shock. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to first admit to her that I could remember nothing about her mother, and secondly find out that I had spent all those years not knowing she existed.
How long did those feelings last, and what did they evolve into next?
I told myself the past is the past and accepted the shame and embarrassment I felt as just part of my emotions. Once I had the DNA results, I knew there was no way that I could ignore the truth, nor could I deny her as my daughter. Nor could I run the other way and hide.
Thanks to her job, she had already scheduled a business trip to our area. She and her husband, my niece, great-niece, and sister had planned to get together before they even knew that I am her father. Once they told me of their planned meeting, I asked if I could come.
My wife and I along with my oldest son went to meet her and her husband. I was extremely nervous. We had seemed to hit it off well when we were talking or on video chat, but I was concerned. I did not want her to be disappointed now that she had found me. Luckily the few short hours we had went well and when she left, I felt good about our visit.
I was an emotional wreck the next morning. How would she feel now that she had met me face-to-face? Would it be possible to build a family relationship? Would she want that? I wrote her a message and told her that I felt our relationship would be up to her.
Where did you imagine things might go next?
I believed it could go one of three ways. She could, on the one hand, say that her long quest to find her biological father was over. She had found and met me, and she could now return to her life. Or two, we could have a relationship that consisted of Christmas and birthday cards and an occasional phone call. Or three, if she wanted a dad, I would be tickled to have her as my daughter, and we could mutually work to find a way to build a father-daughter relationship.
She told me that she went into the search for her biological father expecting a worst-case scenario. He may have already passed, he might be in prison, or he may be in a family situation where he could or would not accept or acknowledge her. She told herself that she never had a father figure and had survived without one and she could continue to do so. But, after meeting and interacting with me, my wife, and kids, she discovered she really wanted a dad, the new mom, and brothers and sisters she had never known.
Was it difficult for you to imagine your family changing?
I come from a big, loving, blended immediate family and have a large extended paternal and maternal family network of cousins I dearly love. I could not imagine my daughter not becoming a part of that.
Later, there was one emotional evolution that I was extremely worried about. I was 68 years old, and I realized that as my relationship with my daughter was progressing, I would at some point be moved to tell her that I love her. Just a few months ago, we were strangers with a big age gap, and now that thought was in my mind. I discussed it with my wife, and she told me she understood and that I would know when the time was right and that I should be very straightforward about discussing it with my daughter. My wife was right. It was initially very frightening to say it to her, but it felt right and gets easier all the time. Besides, it makes me feel good to hear it from her. Imagine that!
How did you navigate discussions about your daughter with pre-existing family members?
Once my sister told me about her, I immediately told my wife about her and that I was taking the 23andme test to confirm one way or another. My wife and I have been married 27 years. She was initially as shocked as I was but has been very supportive and accepting. She has been a social worker for many years so is very experienced at dealing with family dynamics.
When I received the test results, I realized that I had to immediately tell my three children from my first marriage. They are a one year apart in age and just a few years older than my new daughter. I did not want to take the chance that my kids might get the news from anyone else but me. I owed them that. It was difficult to tell them, but I was overjoyed that they were so accepting. Each of them has gone on to contact her and develop relationships.
Were there new grandparents to inform of the discovery? Have you had in-person meetings?
My mother and stepfather are 91 and 86. And of course, I had to tell them! They were shocked but very accepting. I must admit that Mom gave me a little bit of a side-eye at first, but it didn’t last long because she is a very loving person. They are tickled to have a new granddaughter and great-granddaughter and they love it that my daughter makes a concerted effort to stay in touch with them.
We have been fortunate to have opportunities to get together as a family. I have had all four of my kids together here once and I loved it. My daughter has taken one additional trip here since then, and my wife and I flew out to spend a few days with her and her family at her house. In addition to her daughter (my biological granddaughter), my daughter has two teenage stepchildren. My wife and I were thrilled to attend one of the granddaughter’s high school graduations while we were there. They are flying out to visit us this coming Thanksgiving.
You described feeling like things were going so well you feared that “the other shoe would drop.” Could you talk more about that?
That feeling has never gone away and I suspect never will. I consider myself to be a very fortunate fella. I am in relatively decent health for my age. I have a wonderful, loving wife who tolerates my foibles. My kids are all healthy and have blessed me with grandchildren. So far, I seemed to have sidestepped the tragedies that so many around me have suffered.
And now, along comes the discovery of a daughter (and granddaughter) I never knew, and we have, so far, avoided the pitfalls that could have easily derailed our progress to a lasting and loving relationship.
I ask myself, why am I so fortunate when others have experienced so much emotional pain and, sometimes, misery in navigating their DNA discovery. Will something go wrong someday making it come crashing down around me? That feeling of “when will the other shoe drop” hasn’t gone away.
Do you feel the experience of having adopted a child prepared you in any way for this new experience in life?
Oh, yes. My first wife and I adopted our daughter when she was seven years old, and she is 48 now. Growing up I had the good fortune of having the example of loving grandparents who, even though they did not have much, they took in and helped others who were less fortunate.
My daughter who is adopted is one of the treasures in my life. She had a very unfortunate early childhood before we adopted her and she came to us with a history of trauma. My first wife and I navigated a lot of trials and tribulations. But she is a wonderful human being of whom I am very proud.
When my daughter was about 20, she asked me for help in locating her birth parents. We eventually found them, and she had the opportunity to meet them. Unfortunately, it did not work well, and for various reasons, they weren’t able to build a relationship. But they did tell her that she has a sister who was taken from their home about two years before my daughter was born. My daughter had long wanted to find her sister but was worried about possibly disrupting the life of someone who might not even know she is adopted.
Can you describe how the discovery of your daughter affected other people in your family, in particular the daughter you have raised?
One amazing outcome of this discovery was that my biological daughter finding me inspired the daughter I had adopted and raised to search for her own biological sister. She asked my wife and me to help with the search. It took some time and effort, but we were able to locate and contact her sister. Her sister had no idea that my daughter even existed. They only live about 30 minutes apart and are absolutely thrilled to be united as sisters. I have never seen my daughter so happy as she is now that a hole in her life has been filled. Her sister’s adoptive father passed away several years ago and now she has sort of adopted me as her “Pops.” I love it!
Did the experience of a divorce from your first wife prepare you in any way?
The divorce from my first wife was traumatic and was undoubtedly the darkest, most difficult period in my life. It came when my oldest son was enlisted in the armed forces, my daughter had graduated high school and my youngest son was entering high school as a senior. It wasn’t easy but I made it through the divorce. I had a good friend who kept telling me that “No one can cook you and eat you”, that I would live through it and come out the other side as a different person. He was right.
So, yes, that experience left me stronger and much more capable to handle the new experience of a DNA revelation. The experience of adopting my daughter and surviving a divorce gave me more insight into human nature and my own abilities.
If the discovery had happened at a different time do your think any outcomes would be different?
The experience would have been totally different, but I can’t imagine that it would have ever kept me from accepting my new biological daughter. Undoubtedly, it would have been much harder to navigate when my kids were younger. Now, we have the advantage of each of us in the family being older and mature enough to be open-minded and want to make it work.
What resources do you recommend to other men who find themselves in your shoes?
After we met, my daughter told me that if I wanted to understand something about DNA revelations, I should check out an online resource called Watershed DNA. It took some time for me to get to the point where I understood I needed some help. I wish I had found it sooner.
I live in a very rural area. There are some counselors around, but most are busy dealing with referrals from court cases or child advocate groups. It is at least a two-hour drive one way to find a counselor who might have some experience helping with family DNA revelations.
The resources available at Watershed DNA, Brianne Kirkpatrick, and the wonderful folks on the Zoom group calls have helped me understand and deal with some of my emotions and the pitfalls we all face with DNA surprises. Having others who are willing to share their experiences has been invaluable in dealing with my own.
My biggest resources are my wife, kids, siblings, parents, and extended family. From the very beginning, I was determined that my new daughter was not a secret to hide from.
Technology is amazing. On both my maternal and paternal sides, we have Facebook groups where we can keep in contact with most extended family members. Once my daughter and I had met, and I explained and cleared it with her, I announced it in those groups. I wanted nothing to be lost in translation or misunderstood in whispers. I made it clear that I considered her to be a blessing to me and hoped all my loved ones would feel the same. I did the same with the members of my wife’s family whom I dearly love.
I have been totally astounded at the warm and loving response from all. The acceptance, support, and encouragement from all of them have been invaluable as we make our relationships work.
You mentioned you worked through feelings of shame before you shared the news with your extended family. Did it take you long?
I still carried the feeling of shame when I shared the discovery with my extended family and to a certain degree still somewhat do. After all, I just came face-to-face with the fact that I had fathered a child that I never knew about, and to top it off, I could recall nothing about the circumstances. Who would not have some feelings of shame? But I didn’t try to hide from or minimize it. I just added it to the basket with all the other emotions I was dealing with. I did directly discuss my shame, in no uncertain terms, with my wife, kids, and my new daughter. Each of them expressed, in one way or another, that the past is the past. No one is holding it against me. My daughter released me from a lot of self-pressure when she told me that we are all human and she sure could not shame me for a one-night stand from 44 years ago, especially when it has brought about such happy circumstances.
How does it feel to share your story with others?
I told my story when I first joined the Watershed Zoom discussion group calls. I was the only guy there, and one of the ladies asked me a question about my bio-daughter’s mother. I was reluctant to admit that I could remember nothing about her to this group but gathered the courage to fess up my shame. I will never forget the response I received. The lady who asked the question told me what I felt was normal, and I should not feel bad about the emotion. She explained we were there to help each other, not to pass judgment. THAT went a long way to work my way to self-acceptance.
Describe the conversation when you and your daughter made the decision for her to call you Dad. Was this a big deal for you and was it for other people in the family?
The first contact between my new daughter and myself was by Facebook message and a phone call. At that time, we did not have the results of my 23andme test, and I was still convinced of the possibility that I might have a half-brother we knew nothing about, and he was her father. We received the results two weeks later and I met her in person 16 days later. Keep in mind that she and my niece and great-niece had been communicating for almost two years at that point.
So, there was a full month between the time we first communicated, and when we met face-to-face. By that time, I had told my other children and they had talked to her and were well on the way to accepting her as a sister. She and I were talking almost daily either by message or phone.
Once I knew she is my daughter by DNA and that my wife and kids accepted her as such, I knew that I wanted her to accept me as her Dad. I believe my wife and kids would have been shocked (and disappointed in me) if I had reacted any other way. But I also realized that was only possible if she wanted it also. So the morning after our meeting, this is part of the message I sent:
“After yesterday, you must be asking yourself, ‘Now that I have found him what the heck do I do with him’. I’m not much. I have made mistakes. I’m just an old country boy who had the good fortune to be born into a loving family. I have lived a good but ordinary life. I’ve tried to help others and make a difference for some folks. I have had a life-long habit of tilting at windmills and have enjoyed every one of the ‘efforts’ regardless whether they are successful or not. What you ‘do’ with me is a decision totally up to you and no one else and I accept any choice you make.
Now that you have found me, you can 1) choose to call your quest complete and return to your life as you know it. 2) You can call me your ‘Bio Dad’ and we will find a way to fit me into that niche. 3) I can tell you that I would be more than proud to call you my Daughter and be called your Father, Dad or Pops or anything you come up with. I would love to have the opportunity someday to meet (my granddaughter) and give her, at least, one hug. No matter what you decide to do with me, I urge you to continue to learn more about and get to know all the family you just found. Given the opportunity, they will be more than pleased to accept your family as part of ours.”
It was the next day when she had the opportunity to reply this to me:
“As I have been navigating this search, I have always said ‘I am a grown, independent woman, I don’t need a dad’ really because if I set expectations low I can’t be disappointed or hurt. But as I have gotten to know your family and you, it’s been really scary emotionally because I have realized I do need a dad, I want a dad. I would like to call you dad, it feels right in my gut. You are my dad.”
So, yes it was a big deal for each of us and I am pretty sure that my wife and raised children would have expected no less from me. It is true; I am a lucky fella!
QUESTIONS and COMMENTS FOR TED (AND HIS RESPONSE)
Question/comment received: I just wanted to say how wonderful it is that he was able to be so open to his newfound daughter and accept her into his life. From everything he has said, it makes a lot of sense of why everything seemed to work out so seemlessly. Even though he had some negative feelings to work through, I feel like his previous life choices and current life were able to support him during and after the discovery. The only thing that was surprising was that his divorce happened when his children were already older. From the beginning of his story, I assumed he was already divorced when his newfound daughter was conceived but later on in the questioning the timeline is confusing making me wonder if he was still married while she was conceived and maybe that’s why he experienced the shame. In all it was a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing!
Ted’s reply:
Yes, I was married to my first wife when my daughter was conceived. Of course, that does contribute to my feelings of shame. I readily admit that I was young and somewhat foolish, but I know what the circumstances were in my life at that time. I don’t condone my actions but 44 years later, I won’t totally beat myself up for it either. Nor will I allow the past to make me deny a relationship with my daughter. I don’t run from it or refuse to admit the truth. It just is what it is, and I choose to focus on building a relationship with my daughter, granddaughter and family.
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What has been your experience with a DNA search or discovery? If you would be willing to share your story with readers of the Watershed DNA blog, please reach out to us. We can send you a few questions to help you get started and assist with editing so you feel good about the part of your story you share. No need to be a writer to participate!
