How Age Matters When Discussing Donor Conception with Children
Telling a nine-year old about their donor conception is different from telling a 15-year old, and we hear today from Christiane* who shares about her personal experience. Christiane used double gamete donation (both egg and sperm donation) to conceive her son and daughter. She came across a guest post by another author, Samantha, and reached out to me to share her own story. Her hope was that by sharing about disclosing the donor conception to her children, she could pay forward the support to other parents that she found from reading Samantha’s story.
*guest post authors use an alias
This is how we human beings learn: by listening to each other share, by searching for the similarities of others’ stories to our own, and by learning to accept our differences. Watershed DNA is about supporting these things for those involved in a DNA family discovery:
Learning healthy communication skills
Finding the courage to be honest
Slowing down to listen to the other side
Seeking out the support you need to heal from your own history of pain and trauma
Opening up your heart to compassion even when it seems impossible
Restoring important relationships and the LOVE you have for yourself and others
Every single one of these things can be difficult to do, and it can be even harder when a family search, reunion, or surprise discovery is involved.
At Watershed DNA, we are about helping you find and believe in your own self-worth, even if it feels like you’re the only one to see it in the moment.
I’m honored to help Christiane tell her story today. Her decision to share with her children and with us was brave and strong. She has earned my respect, and I hope she earns yours, as well.
-Brianne Kirkpatrick, founder of Watershed DNA
Christiane’s Story
Before I told my son at age fifteen and my daughter at age nine about their donor conceptions, I had about eight months of therapy because it was a very hard, scary, unplanned thing for me to do. When I realized I needed to tell them of their double donation (egg and sperm donation), I was petrified and sought help from a therapist whom my friend loved. I didn't tell my friend why I wanted to go.
The therapist helped me a lot and connected me to the DC Network in the UK. They recommended a therapist or counselor who was a specialist in telling. The one I worked with was an amazing help to me because she had a lot of experience with helping parents tell and also working with kids after they were told.
“Both therapists told me I had to tell my children at the same time so that there would be no more family secrets.”
I continued to work with two therapists. I needed my “regular” therapist to help me cope with all the feelings. She helped me work through my feelings of fear, shame, how family secrets hurt children, and much more. The “telling” specialist offered so much practical advice-when, where, writing a script, telling me how other people did it, and encouraging me. Both therapists told me I had to tell my children at the same time so that there would be no more family secrets.
I had planned to tell them together, but then I decided to tell them individually within the same week. I felt like they should each have their own privacy for their feelings, emotions, and reaction. That was definitely a good decision.
My son’s reaction was to cry a lot. He felt he was told at the right age. He said he always felt there was a secret and that he had been adopted. He was most interested in doing the 23andMe DNA kit because he was extremely curious about his ancestry. He told several friends even though I didn't want him to. They thought it was cool and just accepted it or weren't that interested really.
One day my son told me he found out his donor half-sibling sister lives near us. Then he said she is his 26th half sibling who contacted him. We are both in shock. I had never even thought about this possibility even though the lady at the sperm bank had told me I picked their most popular donor.
This has just happenned recently, so I don't know yet what will happen. He has too much going on right now with school to fully process this, and we will definitely talk more about it with time. He didn't show interest to me about the sperm donor, although I'm sure he was located. I told him the sister and brother he lives with are his “real” siblings, and he agreed. I will fully support as much involvement as he wants.
I was glad I made the decision to tell his younger sister separately. Because of her age, I first had to explain about eggs and the facts of life. She deserved privacy for this as well. I don’t feel she understood much, and I know that we need to talk more.
“I was glad I made the decision to tell his younger sister separately.”
I am currently working on getting myself ready to talk with my daughter again and finding a therapist she will be able to talk to, as I will for my son. I am not sure how I wish the professionals and doctors had been back when I used donation to conceive and kept that information private. At that time, it was just expected that this was something no one would ever find out about. I thought it was much better for the children not to know.
The DNA test kits have changed everything.
I understand now that all children have the right to know their origins and feel proud of my decision to tell.
Are you a parent whose child was conceived by donor conception or an extramarital affair, and you aren’t sure what to do next or how to go about telling them? There are some resources already available, such as the Talking and Telling series of booklets created by Donor Conception Network in the U.K. Schedule an individual consultation with Brianne to learn about these and other resources like online videos and support groups specific to your situation.