Sharing With Teen Daughters the News That They Were Sperm Donor Conceived
Today’s guest blogger Samantha shares about the decision she and her husband made to tell their children about their sperm donor conception and what the weeks were like after sharing the news. Thank you to Samantha for her bravery and for giving us insight into their experience. There are few stories like this to be found online even though many parents are in the same shoes as she and her husband.
If you would be willing to share your story anonymously for the benefit of the readers of the Watershed DNA blog, please reach out to us. We can send you a few questions to answer to get started and help with editing so you feel good about the part of your story you share. No need to be a writer to participate!
-Brianne Kirkpatrick, Watershed DNA founder
SHARING NEWS OF SPERM DONOR CONCEPTION
WITH OUR TEEN DAUGHTERS
by Samantha (not her real name)
My husband and I have two daughters, ages 19 and 16 years. They were conceived with the help of an anonymous sperm donor. We were encouraged not to tell our daughters as they told us that they had both a mother and a father so there would be nothing “missing” in their life. Since they would never have a way to know who the donor is, growing up with this knowledge, we were told, would only add an unnecessary burden.
“Growing up with this knowledge, we were told, would only add an unnecessary burden. ”
My 16 yr old has always been interested in genealogy and requested to do 23andMe four years ago. At that time I didn’t realize that the company provides DNA family matches. When I realized it, after she had done the test, I just told her that we weren’t going to connect with relatives in that way. She was fine with that as she was most interested in her ethnic composition.
Approximately 6 months ago, she started asking to get back into her account. This started giving me concern as I realized all it would take was one keyboard click to turn her life upside down. This began weighing heavily on me. I started to do research in the form of websites and podcasts on the pros and cons of telling. Through this research, I came to realize that my girls deserved to know and it wasn’t right to keep it from them. My oldest daughter who attends college 700 miles from home was here for a month for Christmas, so I decided that this would be the time to tell.
At first, my husband was concerned with how they would handle the news. He was afraid that they wouldn’t think of him as their father anymore. We came to realize that our fears were not as important as the truth and whatever difficulties came from telling, we would handle them together.
“He was afraid that they wouldn’t think of him as their father anymore.”
When I told them, naturally they were shocked. We cried, but overall I thought they handled the news pretty well. Over the next few days, emotions changed and my youngest was sad and confused and my oldest went through a period of great anger. Her anger was not directed at her father or me but at the whole situation.
Before I told the girls, I was binging on podcasts about anything related to donor-conceivedI people to hear as many sides as I could. While doing that, I came across a podcast moderated by a therapist who specializes in fertility counseling which also includes recipient parents and donor-conceived individuals. I was able to schedule a Zoom call with her for my daughter who was having the most problems immediately after she was told.
Now, both girls have seen the therapist that specializes in these kinds of genetic discoveries and they both have said how much it has helped them. They have different feelings about this new reality. My youngest said that she is thankful that she didn’t grow up knowing as she says that she feels now was the right time to find out. My oldest wishes she was never told but realizes that in this day and age, she was bound to find out one way or another. She agrees that finding out from me is much better than being told by a stranger through a DNA website.
“Now, both girls have seen the therapist that specializes in these kinds of genetic discoveries and they both have said how much it has helped them”
One thing that I’ve made known from the beginning is that I can handle any emotions they have be it anger, sadness, excitement… they know that I will support them. They also know that they can ask me any questions and if I don’t have the answer, we will search for it together. Thankfully, their donor was on 23and me, so all it took was that single click to show who their biological father is. My daughters were most interested in why he donated and his medical history. I contacted him and thankfully he is very open to any questions they have. He is also willing to communicate with them if and when they are ready.
“They also know that they can ask me any questions and if I don’t have the answer, we will search for it together.”
For parents who are planning to tell their older children, I think connecting with other parents who have been through it is so helpful. I was under such great stress and fear leading up to telling. I met a woman through a Facebook group who had told her teen daughter a year ago. Having someone to talk to who knew all of the emotions I was going through was invaluable.
“Having someone to talk to who knew all of the emotions I was going through was invaluable.”
Today, my daughters are doing really well even though it has only been about 6 weeks. My husband and I are committed to an open dialog about their new genetic discovery and will support them as they integrate it into their identity.
Are you a parent like Samantha and you want to share biological parent news with your child, but you aren’t sure how? Read through past blog posts like this one and find support through Prepare to Share coaching services with Brianne.
Looking for a therapist or counselor who specializes in emotional support for donor-conceived and other “not parent expected” discoveries? Check out the growing list of those offering specialized support at npecounseling.org.
Sign up for the Watershed DNA newsletter/email list or reach out to express interest if you wish to be notified when activities begin.