Birth Fathers Share What It Is Like to Find Out They Have an Adult Child They Never Knew About
Do you call them biological fathers? Birth dads? Found fathers, discovered dads, sires, or “men who fathered a child they were not aware of”? I have heard many different terms used to describe the surprised men who learn later in life that when they were younger, they fathered a child who was entirely unknown to them.
Tony and Arnold are two people who found their way to my secret support groups for people who have experienced a shocking discovery. Tony found out about a potential child he did not know existed which was later confirmed with a DNA test. For Arnold, the DNA test came first and was the way the existence of a biological child was revealed.
We have read about the experience of NPEs, adoptees, half-siblings, and wives of biological fathers in past guest blog posts. Now we get a chance to hear the perspective of fathers. Tony and Arnold’s stories differ, but in some ways, their experiences are the same. They each answered independently, but their responses are combined in the post below.
-Brianne
HOW LONG AGO DID YOU GET YOUR SURPRISE DNA DISCOVERY? HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
Tony: It's been a little over three months since my biological son found me. I was located on social media by my son’s girlfriend. She began by asking me if I knew this other woman from many years ago. At first, I did not recall her name nor did I recognize her photo. As we exchanged messages back and forth and I received more information, it rang a bell. I remembered this woman as my former girlfriend who had left town and later broke off our relationship. After I acknowledged that I did know this woman, I was told that there was a strong possibility I have a son and a granddaughter that I never knew about. She told me that she would give me time to process this information and if I agreed, she would tell my son and we could do a DNA test to find out if all this was actually true. That night, I had a long talk with my wife, and she was very supportive. The next day I replied that I wanted to move forward and find out the truth.
Arnold: I found out about my biological daughter eight months ago. My first DNA test found a couple of cousins but not children. After a second DNA test (looking for Native American ancestors I had been told about) through a different company, my newfound daughter contacted me via their messaging system to my email account on file to introduce herself to me.
DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA YOU MIGHT HAVE A BIOLOGICAL CHILD “OUT THERE”? WAS IT ON YOUR RADAR?
Tony: I had absolutely no idea, not a clue. It was a total surprise.
“It’s not such a joke anymore.”
Arnold: No, I did not know. I never knew she even existed. She is now 43 years old and for all of those years, she was unknown to me. On the radar, no. But my wife of 41 years and I had joked that it was possible that I had fathered children “out there” after seeing DNA stories on the Dr. Phil show and NBC. We hadn’t discussed that I might find one before I did either DNA test. It’s not such a joke anymore.
HOW HAS THIS AFFECTED YOUR FAMILY? HAVE YOU SHARED THE NEWS WITH EVERYONE?
Tony: Yes, I have shared with everyone at this point. For the most part, there have been no negative effects on the family. There was a little tension early on with my wife. I think mainly because it brought back some unpleasant memories from her childhood and she was projecting some of that onto this situation.
Arnold: My wife has been great and very supportive and she was with me when I met my new daughter which is why we have been married 41 years. I did tell my only full brother, and he didn’t believe it at first. He saw pictures of my new daughter and said he didn’t think she’s mine nor does he believe it 8 months later. I told one of my half sisters, and she was surprised and happy to hear. We have not told our adult children yet (they are 38 and 35). I am still trying to see where things go with my new daughter and myself before I tell them.
“I am still trying to see where things go with my new daughter and myself before I tell them.”
WHAT EMOTIONS DID YOU FEEL THE MOST AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DISCOVERY AND WHAT EMOTIONS PREDOMINATE FOR YOU NOW?
Tony: When I first heard the news, I was totally shocked. It felt like I had been run over by a truck. It consumed my thoughts for at least two months. I know other areas of my life were neglected, but I had no choice. It was too dramatic and life changing. As we waited for the DNA test results to confirm the father/son connection, there was a mixture of apprehension and excitement. After we got the results, we started forming our relationship. This brought a great deal of joy, as I had no other children and had always thought I had missed out on that aspect of my life. I did experience some misplaced guilt as I began to learn about my son's hardships growing up and knowing I could have made a huge difference in his life.
“I have some hard feelings and sadness over all that I missed out on.”
At this point, I feel pretty good. I have some hard feelings and sadness over all that I missed out on. I know had we been in each other's life, both our lives would have been different, and I believe better. I feel bad that I don't have this great, lifelong bond like I had with my father and that my son and I are still basically strangers. As adults, it is much more difficult to form that parent-child bond. We both have so many responsibilities and time restraints. It also hurts that my son never was able to meet my parents; they both passed away in the past couple years.
Everyone tells me you just have to look to the future and move on from here, you can't go back in time. Of course, I realize that. But it doesn't change how I feel, and those type of comments really aren't all that helpful. I feel so much was stolen from my life that can never be recovered. Even though those feelings are there, I try my best not to dwell on them. I would say for the most part, I am happy, but my emotions seem to vary from one minute to the next.
Arnold: At first I was in total shock, then a second shock set in. I felt a lot of anger that I didn’t know about her. Around the time of her first contact, I was having some heart issues which were completely separate from the shock I was going through at the time. I ended up needing triple bypass heart surgery. One week before my surgery was scheduled, I ordered a 3rd DNA test kit (paternity testing) for her and I to take. The company shipped a kit to her and another one to me in a different state. We both got them overnight and completed them and sent them back the next day (I was tracking them to know where they were).
The night before my bypass surgery, the results came back to my phone in the hospital, showing a 99.99999% chance that I was her father. Shock set in yet again. I texted her to let her know, and she had also got the same results. I also told her about my surgery for the next morning and assured her my wife would text her to let her know I was out and was doing well.
A FEW WEEKS AGO A POST BY GUEST BLOGGER “MOLLY” WENT UP, AND THERE WERE SOME READERS WHO THOUGHT IT WAS OFFENSIVE TO DADS/HUSBANDS IN DNA SURPRISE SITUATIONS. DID YOU READ IT? WHAT WERE YOUR THOUGHTS (THEN AND NOW)?
Tony: Yes, I read it. I did not take offense. I realize she is looking at it from her perspective only, and I know that it is a big deal for the spouse as well. I knew that when I first found out, the first thing I needed to do was tell my wife. I think most of what Molly wrote is common sense. I think most men know all this and aren't as obtuse as she may think. Yes, it is a new and unique situation and there isn't a lot of help out there for the men. So, they have to take their time and figure things out, but I think most men are fully capable of all this.
“So, they have to take their time and figure things out, but I think most men are fully capable of all this.”
Arnold: Yes, I did read it. The first time it did not bother me, but the second and third times that I read it, I got the same OFFENSIVE feelings about her post. We unknown fathers did nothing wrong, and I feel like she was off base for sure.
Now I still feel that she made some good points, and I wish I had seen or read her blog (or I had known about Watershed and/or Bri before I did the first DNA test (and darn sure before I did the second one). I should have stopped after the first one with Ancestry. I had to go and look for Native American in my family line with 23andMe. Wrong choice. Or was it…sure seemed that way.
I may never have known about her.
HOW ARE YOU NAVIGATING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD? WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT AS FAST OR SLOW-MOVING, COMFORTABLE OR UNCOMFORTABLE?
Tony: Things are going well. I guess most would say we are moving fast, but it doesn't seem that way to me. I am totally comfortable spending time with him and his immediate family. They all feel like family to me, and I feel at ease. I just wish we had more time together. There is so much time to make up for, and life is so short.
Arnold: My new daughter was adopted at birth by a very good family, and they also adopted another daughter as well. She is a college graduate and is now a vice president at a global company and is doing very well for herself. We met maybe 2 months after this discovery.
We have agreed to take this slow and hopefully at our second face-to-face meeting, we can decide where we go from here. Does she have time for a new family? Does she want to meet her adult half siblings on this side of the family or not? She met her biological mother at the age of 20 for a couple days as well as two half-siblings her bio mom had given birth to. That was over twenty years ago, and she has not heard back from her mother nor her half-siblings. I don’t want to do the same to her, but if she decides to keep it private, I will go along.
WHAT HAS HELPED YOU THE MOST IN COPING WITH THE UNEXPECTED CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?
Tony: There is no one I know that could really relate to my situation. So, I searched online and found very little information from the perspective of the surprised father. I only found one somewhat relevant post. From there I found and contacted Brianne Kirkpatrick. She helped me get in a secret Facebook group. In this group I have shared my experiences, read other experiences, interacted with the members, and formed a friendship with someone who has a somewhat similar situation to mine. All this has been very helpful. So has talking directly with my son.
Arnold: Finding Brianne and Watershed has helped the most. I had two sessions with her on the phone before I replied to my new daughter, I was really a mess emotionally.
With her guidance it got me through the first contact via phone call meeting with my new daughter. It helped prepare me for a face to face with her when she was traveling for work. Now the Facebook support group I am in is helping me a lot. I have become friends with two other discovered fathers, with similar stories. I wish I could find fathers with the same situation as me, though. Other new fathers who have adult children with their spouses. Did they tell the kids yet? Will they? Won’t they tell them? There is no sense in making our children go through this discovery if my newfound daughter doesn’t want to meet them. But if we keep it quiet, they might find out on their own anyway.
I had a close friend tell me he’s not sure how he would react if he found about a half-sibling he never knew of. He thought ours (my wife and I) was a better situation than if the newfound daughter had been a result of an affair. He tried to reassure me this all happened when I was single, so I have less baggage, so to speak than most.
His thoughts on the matter have helped me prepare for a future time when we do tell our children if we choose to. But still, it is so confusing. It’s hard to know what’s the right thing to do.
One final note from Arnold………….
To the men out there that are considering to have a DNA test done, heed this advice:
Make sure you are prepared for the GOOD, THE BAD, OR THE UGLY news that might come from the test. The latter two will create a lot of stress for you, your partner and your newfound child.
When you read a guest blog post, you’re seeing merely a snapshot of an intense lived experience. Tony and Arnold have only known about their biological children for less than a year. Their experience is not reflective of all birth fathers, and I am certain they both would have answered these questions differently if I had posed them on a different day, week, or year. I hope you’ll consider sharing your thoughts below if this post struck a chord.
If you find posts like this one helpful, check out these resources or download a free sample of my eBook, Could the DNA Test Be Wrong?
-Brianne