Reflections on the Impact of a Discovered Adult Child on a Marriage
When a new perspective is shared that upsets a common narrative about the way things “should happen” after a family secret revelation, there can be backlash. I saw this happen when I posted two guest blog posts by Molly, a wife of a biological father who was discovered and located by his biological daughter after a DNA test was taken by a family member. The comments sections were filled with attacks and name-calling. This hasn’t ever happened on the Watershed DNA blog before.
I thought about deleting some of the comments; they were not helpful, and they were not constructive. They ran counter to what this site is all about. But I allowed the negative comments to remain because their presence shows us there is still a lot of work to be done. There remains a chasm between the expectations of how families adjust after a DNA surprise, and reality. We still are trying to understand family dynamics, how individuals react, decisions people make, and how people and families can begin to heal after a DNA test drops a bombshell.
When you read posts in an online group or comments that attack and disagree, it helps to step back and see that the words were likely written from a place of pain. Writing can be a way to let that pain escape.
When paternity secrets and other family secrets are revealed, it can be a joyous experience, or pain can result. Sometimes there is a mix. This isn’t so only for one person but for many. When expectations for a happy celebratory reunion and automatic and seamless joining of lives between strangers aren’t met in a fairytale way, the pain can be magnified.
Laura’s story gives us insight into the impact that a sudden discovery of an adult biological child has on a marriage, in their situation, a marriage between a couple who had made an intentional choice not to have children.
Before you judge, just read. Before you post, slow down. Where are your words coming from? You deserve support and you deserve your story to be heard, as does Laura. The more everyone is heard and supported, the better chance there is for a resolution that brings about healing instead of more pain. -Brianne
From Laura, in response to the posts by guest blogger Molly:
“I wasn’t willing to take that chance on our relationship so it’s been just the two of us and we like it that way.”
I am so grateful to have found the Watershed DNA website and the blog posts by Molly. Some of the comments to Molly’s original post were a little harsh, and I felt compelled to respond, because I too, am a wife whose husband found out he fathered a child before we met that he knew nothing about. I feel many of the same things that Molly and some of the other wives describe. Our discovery was just over a year ago.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years and have about as perfect a relationship as one could hope for. We chose not to have children for several reasons, but the biggest one for me was that, while kids can bring many wonderful moments, there is also quite a bit of stress involved with raising a family, and I knew that stress could change things between us. I wasn’t willing to take that chance on our relationship so it’s been just the two of us and we like it that way.
Finding out that my husband has a daughter he never knew about has been one of the most difficult experiences for both of us. We made a choice not to have children, but now technically, he is a parent and has a unique biological connection to someone and I never will. It’s like we’re suddenly on different teams. That felt devastating to me.
“Finding out that my husband has a daughter he never knew about has been one of the most difficult experiences for both of us.”
Some people thought that I was upset because deep down, I really did want to have children, as if I am not capable of knowing what I really want. That’s insulting, and nothing could be further from the truth; neither of us has ever regretted our decision.
There are all sorts of daily reminders of this, frequent posts on Facebook, driving past the location where she was conceived (and yes, I think of that every single time), things that come up on t.v. (pregnancy, abortion, adoption, DNA, father/daughter relationships, etc.), inside jokes that now have a completely different meaning, and a weird awkwardness at times between us that was never there before; that’s the thing I hate the most.
I think about this all the time. It’s like getting constant emotional punches. Every. Single. Day.
“I think about this all the time. It’s like getting constant emotional punches. Every. Single. Day.”
My mind never gets a break, even now. It’s exhausting, and I so miss the peace of mind I once had. I fear it’s gone forever. We were told that her mother’s (now deceased) family welcomed her with open arms. Maybe that is because they all knew that a baby was given up for adoption 30 years ago. Even she knew her whole life that she was adopted and that there were 2 people out there responsible for her birth. The only one who knew nothing was her father.
“The only one who knew nothing was her father.”
For us, it was a complete shock. People, being human beings, deal with all sorts of issues in life, such as depression, mental illness, substance abuse, infidelity, infertility, suicide, etc. Something like this could push someone right over the edge. I don’t think many people consider that. And now, after over 30 years together just the two of us, we’re expected to just jump into a relationship with a 35 year woman who is a stranger to us?
If my husband was interested in a relationship with any other 35 year old woman, it would not be appropriate at all. We actually like his daughter. A relationship with her is not necessarily a bad thing, but yeah, it’s a weird thing for us right now, because we still wish she was someone else’s daughter.
Everyone else had a lifetime to prepare for this, so forgive us if we need just a bit more time to heal from the shock.
“Everyone else had a lifetime to prepare for this, so forgive us if we need just a bit more time to heal from the shock. ”
I am not a selfish, narcissistic, cold hearted, self centered person. I’m actually successful and I have a wonderful husband. We have a good life together, one that lots of people would kill for. But I am also a woman who has the good sense to know how fortunate I am, and how fragile life can be, and that things can change in an instant.
I know not to take anything for granted. My husband suffers from a lot of anger, guilt, shame as a result of this discovery. He perhaps would make different choices if given the chance, but he is not an animal and he’s not a pig. He’s actually a very kind and loving man and has been a great husband to me. I have a lot to lose and my marriage is the most important thing in the world to me, so you’re damn right I get upset when I feel that could change. If I didn’t, I would question my own dedication to my husband.
“I understand that this is not about me, but I do matter to this story because I am half of us. ”
I am a loving and devoted wife, and I would do anything to support my husband, but I don’t think that means I have to deny or hide my own feelings; I know he wouldn’t want me to. My husband didn’t marry himself, he married me and we function as a team; when I’m upset, he is and vice versa. For those women who think that they would sail through this with ease, I say, walk a mile in my shoes. And maybe some wives would have no qualms about this at all. I applaud you. But please don’t judge the rest of us who have struggled. I am not a monster because I didn’t immediately embrace this; maybe I never will. I understand that this is not about me, but I do matter to this story because I am half of us.
Until recently, I felt like the only woman in the world who feels the way I do. Thank you to all the other wives who found the courage to tell their stories. I was desperate to find someone who understood me, and I feel like I searched for each of you high and low. How nice it would have been to know that I was not alone and that I was not crazy. I even went to a therapist who made me feel ten times worse; my husband has no interest in going to talk to someone because he says he “doesn’t need to pay someone to tell me how stupid I was.”
We have been trying to navigate these very emotional waters alone. For the other wives out there, you have all given me the courage to tell my story, and I believe that telling our stories is part of our healing so I am grateful to each you.
“We have been trying to navigate these very emotional waters alone.”