Last year, a guest post by Molly made some waves. She gave advice through her post to the biological fathers who were discovered by DNA testing and shocked to learn there was a child ‘out there’ they never knew about. Some people were glad to know their family was not the only one struggling after a DNA discovery. Others felt offended.

Since then, we have heard from another wife of a discovered bio dad. You can read about Laura’s experience here.

Many other experiences are covered in additional guest blog posts.

Hear from

Biological fathers Tony and Arnold

Hear from adult biological children Mary, James, and sisters Michelle and Eden

I had questions of my own for Molly, so I decided to ask her to return with a follow-up. Thanks for agreeing, Molly. Your perspective and insight are important here, especially for those who are early in the process of a DNA family discovery.

-Brianne

WHEN YOU WROTE YOUR INITIAL GUEST BLOG POST, MOLLY, WERE YOU PREPARED FOR THE REACTION IT WOULD GET? DID IT SURPRISE YOU?

Yes and no. I knew there would definitely be a wide range of reactions because it's a really emotional issue. I chose to share my very personal feelings about what this experience is like because there is nothing "out there" about how this discovery impacts a wife -- we are often dismissed as jealous, uncaring, and unsupportive if we aren't immediately "on board." It is so much more complicated than that.  I would say the vast majority of us are doing the best we can adjusting to something significant we didn't know about when we married our husbands -- and that is a process. 

I was initially bothered by some comments, but I think those individuals have their own painful stories behind their assumptions of me, so I can let that go.  I am at peace knowing that we have shown and continue to show my husband's bio daughter respect and kindness.  That doesn't mean we have plans to integrate our families.  It seems that there's an expectation or obligation for found families to do that, and I don't think that is right. We have chosen the path that is best for our family, which is and will always be the number 1 priority -- unfortunately, we lost sight of that during the initial months of this experience.  Incidentally, doing what was best for our family is what my husband's bio daughter asked us to do from the beginning.  I am grateful she was of that mindset -- I know many other families where that is not the case. Our biggest issue was our inability to handle this separately and as a couple as well as the lack of support available to us.

THERE WERE MANY WAYS YOU COULD HAVE GONE WITH YOUR STORY; WHAT INFLUENCED YOUR DECISION TO ADDRESS THE BIO DADS?

Well, my husband said then and now that he didn't have a clue how to handle this -- he also says that guilt played a big role in his initial, rushed decision making. So I figured other men might not know what to do when surprised by this news either. Also, I had been part of a support group for spouses for several months by the time I wrote the blog, and it was a common thread in almost every experience. I know there were a few comments from newfound bio dads who thought my suggestions in the blog were obvious, and to them and all others who feel that way, I salute you. I mean that sincerely! But the blog would have been a godsend for my husband and me.

HAVE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION CHANGED SINCE THE DISCOVERY?

If anything my feeling that there needs to be more support for the blindsided bio dad and his family is even stronger.  There absolutely needs to be more resources/information addressing things to look out for that can be harmful to the marriage, family and potential new relationship, such as what can occur during and beyond the "honeymoon stage," and that some newfound bio dads may become secretive about or singularly focused on the relationship with his newfound bio daughter to the detriment of his other relationships. There should be an awareness of the phenomenon of genetic sexual attraction (GSA) as well as the notion of divided loyalties. And bio dads need to be prepared (as much as that's possible) for the physiological reaction they may feel during reunion, particularly if/when they experience mirroring.  Just to name a few.

My husband is now very open about how that period was scary and overwhelming for him, but that at the time, he couldn't put words around or make sense of what he was feeling. Finding the resources that helped him (and us) took months.

As I mentioned, I am part of a support group and it is sad to see how this type of discovery (when handled improperly) can have a ripple effect, impacting marriages, relationships with raised children, even extended family. What good is this new relationship if it comes at the expense of a marriage or other important relationships?  I hope as this subject gets more attention more positive stories will come out too -- it would be really helpful to see examples of couples and families who have navigated this experience successfully. It would be interesting to note all the things they have in common.

WHAT IS THE RELATIONSHIP LIKE BETWEEN YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS BIO DAUGHTER?

I would describe it as a distant/casual friendship; they're in touch, but infrequently. Things have settled for a number of reasons -- he worked through/made sense of those initial intense feelings, physical distance, my husband's disinterest in social media, the fact they both live busy lives, his focus on our daughters, timing given our family circumstances, etc. In addition, I think it is difficult to move beyond the superficial when you're both adults who until this point have shared nothing but DNA.

HOW ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND?

This situation shined the light on areas in our marriage that needed attention so we've had a lot of therapy with an amazing, qualified therapist. We have grown tremendously -- our bond is stronger than it's ever been.

HAVE YOU SHARED WITH HER EVERYTHING THAT WENT ON IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AFTER HER APPEARANCE?

As I said earlier, she was respectful in the way she initiated contact. But as an unmarried woman with no children, she couldn't have known how profoundly her sudden appearance could affect us. She understands my husband and I had to pull back and reassess the situation because we were not on the same page, and it was causing problems with us and for our children.  We haven't gone into further detail than that and we don't plan to -- this isn't her issue, it is ours.

Click here to read the original blog post by Molly.